Monday, January 19, 2009

I need me some springtime

I'm starting to wonder if I'm okay. I'm feeling so incredibly bummed right now. I just feel like crying. So begins yet another month of being a "mommy-wannabe". It's been one year and four month since I quit birth control and handed my fertility back to God. I know He has His own timetable. He opens and closes the womb. I know this. Why am I so impatient? I just want a little one so badly, it hurts. Why do I feel such an urgency? Why do I seem to be the only one who truly wants this? DH isn't really concerned. He believes things will happen when they happen. I wish I was so laid back. DH's parents are wonderful people, but they act almost scared when I say anything referring to babies. His father swears he had my husband "fixed" at birth. His mother acts like it's the end of the world for a cousin who is married and pregnant at 19 years old. It breaks my heart.

Is there something wrong with me? I feel so imbalanced. Maybe I just need some sleep.
I'm going to go try that.


  1. Sweetie, there is nothing wrong with you. God knows the desires of your heart, and He loves you very much.

  2. Oh, Mrs. Hester, I hurt for you. It's part of being a lady, you know that -- that you want to be a mommy is so natural that I'd feel completely disgusted if I heard that you didn't want a little one. I have an idea of what you are going through, waiting on the Lord's plan for a baby, because I'm still years behind you, waiting on His plan for young adulthood and marriage. You've been there, done that, and you know that He is faithful and just, His plan is best. I'm not saying anything you don't know. I'm so glad that you want a baby!!! Please don't give up on that, even though family isn't very supportive. God is good!! :)

  3. Oh, I just ache for you! God's timing is so mysterious and sometimes so hard to fanthom.

    May He grant you peace as you wait...

    I know several women who were told they would never have children, one went 8 years into her marriage, - and now she has six children!

    I will be praying for you.
    ~gentle hugs~


  4. Hi Mrs.Hester...I'm a 54yr old lady from California who stumbled upon your blog out there in blog land...I see so much of myself in you...I too, am and always have been a "late bloomer"...Try not to be so hard on yourself...You are harder on yourself and He is...remember?...Relax, continue to learn His Word and let Him guide you and not your feelings, hormones, other peoples opinions/judgements or anything else that usually gets in the way in this world...I speak from the devastation and aftermath of not letting Him quide me...Thinking that things would work in "my timing and my way"...I have, for as long as i can remember loved God and always wanted to please Him, but the fleshly part kept winning...That Liar,that roams the earth, looks to devour and steal peoples Joy...Don't let him win...Its many daily decisions for God that keep us on the path...God does have a plan for each of us and I have Faith that He will bless you with a child in His time...A thousand years is but a blink to Him...I remember the yearn of wanting a child...Nothing is stronger...No matter what this world does, He is still in control and we know that He wins in the end!...Put on your armor girl and fight the good fight...Its not easy in this world today, so you need His protection everyday...He loves you and watches over you little one...I will say prayers for you...I dont have a blog, but if you so desire, you may email me...I would love to hear from you...May God shine His Love and Grace upon you...

  5. I found your blog from As Lilies Sewing. I am a 'Mummy wannabe' as well. I used birth control for three months and felt such conviction from God to trust Him in regards to my fertility. That choice was made a year ago, and I am still waiting for the precious gift of a child.

    I just walked through a few very hard days of grappling with the fact that my womb is empty for yet another month. I was disappointed... and my faith in God faltered.

    Yet, through the prayers and love of family (and my wonderful husband), I am walking anew with joy and peace in the goodness of God.

    I pray that you will continue in the hope and joy of our Saviour as you trust in Him. Waiting for a baby can be such an incredibly hard road to walk... but I can honestly say that He provides immense comfort and grace as you present your struggles to Him.
    Romans 15:13 has been a huge blessing to me during this time. I hope you can find encouragement from it.

    Hugs to you. I understand the struggles you are facing! Trust in Him and cling to Him. He is so faithful! :)