Tuesday, March 31, 2009

What's the point??

I am almost at my wit's end. I'm certainly very nearly at my will's end. As most of you probably know, my husband and I have been attempting the South Beach diet. I am very proud that my DH has lost at least 15 lbs so far. I think I've lost 8..and then the scale said I gained a couple...and then I'll lost a couple. Granted, this is without either one of us exercising (don't you just love how men don't have to do hardly a thing to lose weight?). I did okay on the first couple of weeks, I was pretty bored at the end of those 2 weeks, but aside from one day, I did pretty well. Then came Phase 2 and it all went downhill from there, and not in a good way. I really don't know what my deal is. It's like I have to be one or the other. Either I can't eat anything but veggies and meat and not even look at anything that might have starch and carbs (aside from the ones in fruit) or I can't restrict myself at all. Either I have to go to the gym 6 days out of the week for at least 2 hours a day and take gobs of supplements and lift heavy every time I go or I do nothing. Apparently I am a woman of drastic-ness. All or nothing. And I'm tired of it! I love veggies and fruits and super healthy foods, truly I do. But I want my choclate and cookies and brownies and "stuff you know ain't great for you but it's what you were practically raised on and by golly, you love it!!" This stuff is giving me anxieties and I'm tired of having anxieties! It's just food, for crying out loud, but if I don't have a perfect diet I won't have a perfect body. At least that's what the world keeps telling me. I try not to be a glutton, but I am sometimes. That is something I am working on. But so long as I am not pigging out on the stuff, why can't I just have some foods that I enjoy? And I know that others enjoy them too. It's hard to deny there is an emotional response to foods...I mean come on, who doesn't get a great big grin at the smell of fresh baked brownies or some good ol' fried chicken? Is that a bad thing? Ugh!!

Maybe I was just meant to be a cuddly gal? If having the body everyone else says I ought to have means depriving myself and obsessing over food so much it makes me miserable, do I really even want that body? If I have to lift heavy (at one time, when I was about 125 lbs, I could squat my own body weight for 3 sets of 10 reps...I'm talking heavy lifting) and in the process lose things that make my body look feminine or gain muscularity that, even though it wasn't bulky muscularity, might make you wonder if I was a grown woman or a young man, is it worth it?? And the thing that makes me worry the most about it...my husband hasn't seen me at my heaviest, but he has seen me at my "leanest" and I'm afraid I might never "look that good" for him again. I'm in danger of either falling into something close to diet-worship, or like before: self-worship, or just not caring. I really kind of hate this. If I'm eating healthy foods more often than not, what's the big deal? I'm tired of being hungry :(


  1. Sweetie, my heart really goes out to you. I have dealt with the weight issue all of my life. I have never been thin, my smallest was 145. My heaviest was three years ago, I weighed 257 pounds. I am now 45 years old, and I weigh 173. But, you know what? God, and my husband love me as I am. God looks at the heart, not the body. Perfection is not attaniable, it is not real. You are beautiful the way you are, now smile really big. God loves you.

  2. Oh Mrs. Hester, I feel for you. I've only felt weight-conscious for the last two years or so, but I've watched my mom go through this all my life. She'll get on some diet or program that works great, she cuts almost everything worth eating out of her diet, exercises like crazy, loses a whole bunch of weight...and six months later all that weight plus more is back on.

    Mrs. Hester, the conclusion we have come to is the same as the famed Dr. Laura says: Move MORE, Eat LESS. Honey, if I had to cut all the chocolate out of my life to be a healthy weight, I would forget the whole thing and be 300 pounds. MODERATE, don't ELIMINATE is now my mom's motto. It will always be hard, but it's so much easier when you simply give up on the 'perfect' body, and go for the 'healthy' body -- and ask the Lord to help you as you struggle against the fleshly desires.

    I don't know what helps you, but for my mom and I, we have to have motivators. For my mom, she got a new dress, one that will look really nice on her when she's about ten pounds heavier than she is now, and she hung it up in the kitchen where she can look at it anytime she wants to eat something that will not help her lose weight. I know she has in the past also used as motivators photographs of herself much thinner than she is now, but that can often make her more depressed about weight loss, instead of encouraging. For me, I got a box of chocolates and put it up in the freezer. I will not open it or eat of it until I have lost two pounds from where I started (I have only about 8 pounds or so to lose), then I will eat two chocolates for every two pounds that I succesfully TAKE off and KEEP off.

    I don't know if this helps you any, but at least know that you are not by any means the only one who struggles with this, we all do, and we will be praying for you as you struggle with this as well. :) God bless, dear sister.

  3. Mrs. Denise, I appreciate this so much, and I love your heart. I think you may be a couple years younger than my own mom :) Thank you.

  4. Rebekah, thank you so much for taking the time to share all that with me. There is alot of wisdom in that big ol' comment! :) I will be reading and rereading it. And you know, there's so much in there that is common sense, but I guess when you're trying to attain the unattainable (perfection) common sense ain't so common ;) Thank you sweet sister.

  5. Amy,

    Sweetie, you are not alone in this loosing weight battle and trying to have the "perfect body." It's difficult to stay balanced about eating right and looking healthy without obsessing about eating the wrong foods and being "too fat."

    Within in the past 2 years, I have lost 58 pounds. However, this is the first time within those two years when I have actually started to gain some weight and it's freaking me out! I know it's because I have taken too many liberties with eating too many sweets and fatty foods, and now I am paying the price.

    Still, I need to be moderate about the entire thing. It just means I'll need to start watching what I eat again and not get greedy. At the same time, however, I can't be obsessive about ultra skinniness, but it's SO difficult! Sigh!

    Anyway, just thought I would let you know that you are not alone in this crazy battle!

  6. I have a gift for you over at my blog...

  7. Do you mind if I put in a few cents of my own? LOL. First of all I hate the word diet. I mean it does have the word DIE in it right? Plus when I know I can't have something, I want it more. I don't recommend any diet as you will have to stay on it for the rest of your life in order for you not to gain your weight back. I do recommend moderation and exercise. Limit desserts to the weekends and that way you have something to look forward to but it's not every day. If you can't get to a gym or if being away from the home is hard, we got a Wii Fit and love it. Just do something in a form of exercise. Limit your sugar during the week. Even look into alternate sweetners like Agave nectar or Xylitol. Just don't beat yourself up over it. I'd love to help you out if you have any questions. I know what you're feeling.
    Blessings to you.