I am almost at my wit's end. I'm certainly very nearly at my will's end. As most of you probably know, my husband and I have been attempting the South Beach diet. I am very proud that my DH has lost at least 15 lbs so far. I think I've lost 8..and then the scale said I gained a couple...and then I'll lost a couple. Granted, this is without either one of us exercising (don't you just love how men don't have to do hardly a thing to lose weight?). I did okay on the first couple of weeks, I was pretty bored at the end of those 2 weeks, but aside from one day, I did pretty well. Then came Phase 2 and it all went downhill from there, and not in a good way. I really don't know what my deal is. It's like I have to be one or the other. Either I can't eat anything but veggies and meat and not even look at anything that might have starch and carbs (aside from the ones in fruit) or I can't restrict myself at all. Either I have to go to the gym 6 days out of the week for at least 2 hours a day and take gobs of supplements and lift heavy every time I go or I do nothing. Apparently I am a woman of drastic-ness. All or nothing. And I'm tired of it! I love veggies and fruits and super healthy foods, truly I do. But I want my choclate and cookies and brownies and "stuff you know ain't great for you but it's what you were practically raised on and by golly, you love it!!" This stuff is giving me anxieties and I'm tired of having anxieties! It's just food, for crying out loud, but if I don't have a perfect diet I won't have a perfect body. At least that's what the world keeps telling me. I try not to be a glutton, but I am sometimes. That is something I am working on. But so long as I am not pigging out on the stuff, why can't I just have some foods that I enjoy? And I know that others enjoy them too. It's hard to deny there is an emotional response to foods...I mean come on, who doesn't get a great big grin at the smell of fresh baked brownies or some good ol' fried chicken? Is that a bad thing? Ugh!!
Maybe I was just meant to be a cuddly gal? If having the body everyone else says I ought to have means depriving myself and obsessing over food so much it makes me miserable, do I really even want that body? If I have to lift heavy (at one time, when I was about 125 lbs, I could squat my own body weight for 3 sets of 10 reps...I'm talking heavy lifting) and in the process lose things that make my body look feminine or gain muscularity that, even though it wasn't bulky muscularity, might make you wonder if I was a grown woman or a young man, is it worth it?? And the thing that makes me worry the most about it...my husband hasn't seen me at my heaviest, but he has seen me at my "leanest" and I'm afraid I might never "look that good" for him again. I'm in danger of either falling into something close to diet-worship, or like before: self-worship, or just not caring. I really kind of hate this. If I'm eating healthy foods more often than not, what's the big deal? I'm tired of being hungry :(