.....might it be a post???

Hello friends! I apologize for the brevity of this entry, and for the length of time I have been away. But, I wanted to let you know that, should you still read my postings, I will be back with more in a while. I have several things to share, some good and some not so good. Until then, may God bless and keep you.

A Busy Day!

Hey y'all! It's your favorite drama blog-queen back again! Hahaha. Okay, I admit...I suppose I can be sort of a drama llama at times. I'm working on it...I am way too blessed to be so depressed about things that I really don't have too much control over. Sure, I could "take the reins" and push to have things done that could make it appear I am in charge...but seriously? When you get right down to the nitty gritty I have about as much control over it as I do in the seasons and the rising of the sun. And that's OKAY. So, I'll just appreciate and try to be happy for folks who are experiencing things that I hope for our little family here. Hopefully soon I can expound on what I mean a little deeper, but right now that's all I need to say.

It has been kind of busy around here lately and I am glad for it! Some people seem to have that wonderful ability to keep going all year long, but I'm pretty sure if I had been created an animal I would have been a bear. I very nearly hibernate in the winter until Spring and her warmer weather shows up. We also live in what I call a "hobbit house", or a basement house as normal people refer to it. Our living room, kitchen and laundry room are the only rooms in the house that aren't surrounded by dirt with the kitchen and living room having the only full-size windows. I feel like that probably contributes to my hermit nature in the cold months. Oh well :) We have a home and food to fill our bellies and heat to keep us warm and Jesus in our hearts. I am so thankful, and that is an understatement. I am humbled by His goodness and mercy and am embarrassed by how selfish I can be at times. Life is GREAT and I deserve NONE of it.

My online class has been moving along rather well! I am kind of surprised at how well I am actually doing in it. As of right now I am a little more than halfway through and have an average of 91. Hopefully I can bring it up a few points, but I am passing so far!! I may end up slowing down a little bit; with the weather warming up I would like to spend some time outdoors in the yard on days I can, so I'll probably be tweaking my daily routine some.

Speaking of the outdoors, we spent ALOT of time there today. I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT!! Well, most of it. Last year was the first year we had a "real" garden. It went well, I thought, all things considered. I learned a few things and got my feet wet. We ended up having enough squash and tomatoes and okra to eat fresh and a bit extra to freeze, but not a considerable amount to can and put up. So this year I wanted to make our plot bigger and see if I could plant a few different things and try to put some up.

This was our plot(s) last year

This is the beginning of this year's

We're using old railroad ties for our beds and opted for the raised bed because under the topsoil in our yard we have chert rock. Last year we had 4 ties and this year we expanded it by 3. Looking back I wish we had gotten one more and made it square instead of that odd 5-sided thing we have now (hexagon?) but our tie-supplier is a little longer a drive off than we had time for today. I am debating on buying one more...maybe we will try it like this and add another next year, lol. That's about as often as I want to move these things in a year!! Thank you Lord, for giving me a strong husband!! I love him so! I would also like to plant some "looking" plants. You know, those that you plant just because they are nice and make your yard pretty. Unless the Lord comes soon, I don't see us relocating any time soon. I would like for our home to reflect this reality. That means *GASP* making our house a little more like a real home. A work in progress ;) We have some flowers that have been blessing us this spring and the last that were planted by a previous owner, but I would like to plant a few more pretty plants that I really enjoy.

Here are some examples of already existing beauties: please forgive the drabness...not everything has jumped on the spring bandwagon yet ;)

We have some lovely trees/bushes:

We have a larger plum and some other tall tree to the left of what is in this
picture and another plum to the right of the shot...foresight would be
handy when I take pictures ;) This shot has a plum tree, azalea bush & what I think
is a tulip poplar. You can see we also have some cheery daffodils blooming and
some lilies coming up.

Another shot of the same line of trees/bushes from a
different angle

Some daffodils around Gunner's tree and this bright, bold hedge-thing,
lol. Please forgive the ugly garbage can situation...I also cleaned the
shed out today.

At the corner of the house is a smaller azalea bush.
Haven't decided if I'll keep it there or not...

Ahhhh...color :) Sorry, I couldn't resist! This was last summer.

And the lovely flowers:

daffodils and lilies

lilies up top...not sure what that thing is at the bottom left of the brick wall

Irises waaay in back to the right, and two more of those mystery plants...

Irises around the mailbox

Waaaay back there are some more irises

So, that's what is already there. I have some gladiola and peony bulbs to plant and I have a "tulip kit" started that I bought from JoAnn's earlier this month. I didn't know it took 16 weeks for them to sit...is it possible to put them out and they grow properly? I also have some areas already planned to plant in, just not sure what exactly to plant. I would post more pictures of the area, but this post is already waaaaaaaay tooooooooo looooooooooooong! And I am bushed!! Hope you all have a great Sunday!!

Oh, To Hear the Pitter Patter!!

This will probably be one of those rambling posts. "Stream of Consciousness" they call it? So get ready...

This is a topic I think about alot...possibly too much. I have so many different ideas...emotions over this. I know God alone is perfect, He has a perfect plan, and His timing is always perfect. But I also know that not everyone is called to be everything. Some women do not become mothers. For whatever reason, they never experience that pitter patter of little feet. I'm just going to flat out honest. I DO NOT want to be that woman!! I do not!! I want to experience a womb full of life, the excitement of wondering what that little one might become. I want to give birth. I want to hold and love a child that has features like my husband and me. I want to play with, and help grow a child into loving God. I want to kiss boo-boos till they are better and make peanut butter sandwiches and cut them into pieces small enough for little hands. I want to wipe the mud off chubby cheeks and marvel at the creepy crawlies they find in the yard. I want to be a mother...so very very much. I have cried so many tears. I am sobbing as I type this. I have such a deep, deep desire that I can't articulate...and I have tried. Almost a desperate feeling.

I am only 27. This September I will be 28. I know, typically, I have many years more. I have only been off birth control methods since October of 2007, and yet... I have been off them for nearly 3 years now...it's been 3 years, Lord...please? Pretty please? I feel like Hannah, crying out to her God. Lord, can You hear me?? I can see why the priest thought she was under the influence of something else, if what I feel is close to what she felt that day in the temple. Is it idolatry to want something so badly that you think about it more days than not? Is it possible to want it too much? I can hear another voice...be content with your station now. Bloom where you're planted. A season for all things. It must be in the plan somewhere...why else would I desire it so much? I cannot believe that God would allow me to have such a strong desire and a love so deep for a little person I don't know, and yet deny me the opportunity to ever love that person.

I have a well-meaning aunt who has shared with me her doctor's name and clinic. They specialize in IVF (in-vitro fertilization) treatments for women wanting to get pregnant, and she has experienced two successful pregnancies with this route. One pregnancy resulted in twins, and we love all three of these children very much. My husband and I have visited their website, and talked about it. Now, I will not speak for any woman but myself. I cannot do this. By all I can see, they take at least one egg (maybe more?) and fertilize it with DH's sperm. I firmly believe that life begins at conception. I know our separate "contributions" have potential for life, but without their joining together, neither can become a person. That's simply how God designed it. I also believe His Word and He knits us together...it isn't a random act. So the idea that there would be essentially more than one life created outside of my body, but possibly only one going back into my body, simply does not sit well with either of us. And the expense...for something that has no guarantee. We could not justify that method. My heart says there are too many children in this world with no one to love them, than for us to spend that sort of money on a method that is, quite honestly, unnatural. And, I will put this as delicately as I can, the means for retrieving my husband's "contribution"...I cannot stomach. Call me what you want. So, IVF is out of the discussion.

Fertility drugs? I have not ruled them out. Granted, I don't know alot about them right now. I believe there are risks associated with them, right? My aunt has shared some of her experience taking such drugs to encourage egg production for the IVF she underwent, and there are definitely risks with it...but I don't know that I would need them if we didn't take the same route she did. Does that make sense? I am not against further investigation to see if there is a medical reason we have not conceived, or if it simply is not time for us yet. I am aware that my body may be working fine and it could possibly be an issue with DH's body. I am really struggling with surrender, I think. I call myself "quiverful" in the sense that I want to let God determine our family size, and not us, but what comes to mind most of the time is simply not using birth control to keep a family small. I rarely think about the aspect of trusting Him in the "smallness" of our family too. It is almost like saying..."Lord, I trust You, but only if You want to make our family HYUGE...now if You decide not to give us ANY, I don't want that part...I just want the HYUGE-ness." Selfish, I know. But this is about honesty, right? I go back to wondering why I would even feel what seems like a gap in our life, if we were not meant to have any.

I attended a women's weekend at a church not long ago...back in late October I think it was. There was a woman who came and spoke and her words left me in tears. She voiced the very same things I was feeling...she and her husband had been married for several years and yet they were still childless. She suffered with endometriosis and several miscarriages. She cried out to God and her words matched my heart perfectly. She says God spoke to her and simply said "I called you to be a mother. I haven't called you to be pregnant". She knew then they were meant to adopt, and God saw them through it and brought a beautiful little boy into their lives from the Ukraine (I believe is was the Ukraine...I was kind of scatter-brained that morning, but it was in that area if I am wrong). Not very long after that, even through her medical condition and knowing she would probably never carry a child and give birth, she became pregnant and had another little boy! This beautiful sister is now pregnant with their FOURTH blessing! I say all that to express my hope. I don't know what God has in store...but my heart is open and I have a great feeling of compassion to orphaned children. Shucks, I simply love children. Love them. They could have great parents, and I would still love on them, lol. I am praying that He would reveal the course for us, through my husband, because I know where my heart stands in it.

I feel like a child who really does not want to throw a tantrum, because I know it won't do me any good, but I feel that tantrum coming on. I guess you could say I throw a little one about once a month now. I can't hide my disappointment from God when "the company" shows up, so I don't even try anymore. Why can't I just be thankful that part of me works? It didn't use to...

Another aspect I have considered...my class. There is a desire (though not as strong as the other) to pay down our debt. Hopefully that will happen when I finish this course I am taking. Maybe God is waiting for me to finish my class? Maybe He knows that if I were to be pregnant and not be done with this class, it might never get done because I am just that scatterbrained? Maybe He's trying to make it easier on me (though I know life is rarely easy, especially for His people) and I'm just trying to cram everything in at once. Maybe. I guess I will have to wait and see. I will have to wait on Him.

He is still God and I am not. He is good, and I will praise Him in this storm, even if it is a broken hallelujah.

Love My Furbabies

this past summer, my husband and I had discussed getting a cat to make sure the mice didn't become a problem with the feed in the shed. We had decided that we would have just one, a male if at all possible, and that he would be an "outside" pet. So, I kept my ears open for mouser opportunities to present themselves. So, along comes August. My husband calls me one day and tells me he has found a kitten. It is at his mother's office (she is the office manager for a local hospice service) and was I interested? Well, of course I said yes, so he says he will let her know and she can bring it by the house on her way home from work. I happened to be out at the time she arrived, so she and my husband were on the front porch waiting for me with a rather odd look on their faces. Comes to find out, the one kitten in the box the nurse gave her (a nurse took the original 3 kittens from a patient who couldn't care for them any longer and saved them from further games of "toss the kitty" from some mean little boys) turned out to be 2-a boy and a girl. They couldn't have been more than 4 weeks old, they were so small. So, MIL offered to take one back the next morning if we wanted. God gave my husband a kind heart and so we decided to keep them both at least until they were older and bigger, we just couldn't' bear to split them up after that! The rest is history, as they say :)

I would like you to meet Silvio and his sister, Sissy. No, there is not great meaning behind their names. Silvio, when we first received him, had lots of crazy white hairs that gave him a silvery look from a distance. And Sissy, well, she meowed. Alot. She still does, but not to the extent that she once did. So, she's our little sissy crybaby, lol. Yeah, I'm not known for my profound maturity ;) Enjoy!










September. They have grown some, their eyes have turned from blue to green, and they have made themselves quite at home.




October. They were finally getting a taste of the outdoor life. They have indeed grown into their ears and eyes, I think :) However, Silvio has lost all but a few of the white hairs that gave him his silvery sheen. Ah well, he is still a charming fellow.





Apparently, I didn't take any of them in November, but by December they had grown to be just a bit bigger than poor Gunner. He takes it all in stride, though now they can give back to him as much as he gives them ;)






January 2010...their first encounter with snow

Behind as usual :)

Hello everyone :) I trust the holiday season was good to everyone and you all had wonderful memories made that you will cherish the rest of your days! I thought it was time I posted something...I have all but reached the conclusion that I won't be able to post regular updates or things of much substance, I guess I'm just not the blogging superwoman I would like to be :) Oh well. There are other things in life I could be really successful at, I supposed, haha. But I will at least try to be better about keeping up with everyone.

There have been a few things going on around here since the last time I posted in November...wow, has it truly been that long ago?? I guess it has, but is surely doesn't feel as if it should be! Thanksgiving was blessed, Christmas was joyful, and New Year's was...trying. I have alot of clutter in my home as well as my heart that needs to be cleaned out. That is one of my New Year goals (resolution is such a dirty word, lol), to straighten up my heart, my priorities, refocus on the goals that I hoped for at the beginning of last year and to truly remove things that had crept up to a place that only God should have dominion in. I have allowed myself to become such a silly woman in many ways, and it should not be. I have begun a list of books that other godly (or by all appearances they are) women have read and recommend as edifying literature. There is work to be done and I am tired of wasting my life following things that will not matter in the end.

I have so much to sort out, so much to pray about, and maybe to just let go of. There are things I don't understand, things I don't know what to do with, things I just want to throw my hand up and say "I give up" over. And yet, I feel a great desire to pursue them. I will most likely be sharing more about these things that weigh heavy on my heart through this blog, because this is my journal ( I never could keep up a proper schedule when I put it on paper either). So much I do not understand, and yet what I do understand is that God loves me. The Creator of the universe and all in it cares for me. And I have to believe that these things, these good things, that I long for incredibly have to be there because HE put them there. And if He did, why would He not allow me to realize these desires? So, I do believe I will get to experience at least some of these aspirations. I just do not know when. Patience...boy do I need it!

I have been focusing more on my class. It appears that when I take the time and apply myself that I do very well with it. Huh...imagine that ;) I have been incredibly lazy with it and that is a big regret. And part of me wonders if, because of my laziness with this, that hasn't put a hold on better things? Well, it's time for me to put on my big girl breeches and keep my promises. And, if things go as planned (which I am not really holding my breath about...apprehensive hope, if you will) I will finish this course. And if things go as planned, I will be working from home, which is the dream I had when this class began. And if things go as planned, I will be able to help pay down most of our debt (another big dream for me) and lighten this dark cloud that tries to rain on us from time to time. However, whatever happens, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Jehovah Jireh WILL provide our NEEDS, because He has always been faithful.

I am trying to pay more attention to my physical health. I have been gluttonous in my behavior over the past few months-more so than before-and I think it has finally started taking an obvious toll on my well-being. I haven't felt well for time now. I've been sluggish, my complexion hasn't been very good, and I have put on a few more pounds. Not good. Now, I do not believe anyone ought to put too much emphasis on any one thing, or we risk making it an idol. But this is something that needs to be fixed, especially if I intend on being active. Bad health is not an asset. And, should the Lord ever bless us with children, I want to be able to keep up with them! I keep reminding myself that healthy does not always equal thin, and thinness does not always equal health. My husband's doctor recommended some time ago that he try the SouthBeach diet to help get the weight and some cholesterol numbers a little lower and my hubby did very well with it, so we are taking another swing at it. I am praying I don't have a carb-deprivation induced meltdown this time...I didn't even make it 2 weeks last time we tried it!

One last paragraph :) We have a couple of little additions! Well, they aren't so little anymore. Back in August we took in a couple of black furballs, two kittens who were being used as tossing-toys by some mean children. I have lots of pictures to share...they will likely have their own post :) They're very sweet most of the time and I know you're going to love them! I guess I've rambled on for long enough now. I'll try not to stay away too long. Have a great weekend everyone!!

November 23rd

FOR TODAY... from Amy's Daybook

Outside my window... it's a typical late November day; kinda gray with a few leaves still holding onto to their branches.

I'm thinking...this is going to be a crazy week...

I am thankful for...dear family friends who are blessing us with venison...I do love venison :)

I am wearing...my pajamas still. Migraines have a way of doing that...

I am remembering...Thanksgivings of years gone by

I am going...to the Mennonite store in a little while, hopefully to find the remaining candies I need to make my little turkeys.

I am reading... nothing in particular at the moment, but I have some things coming up...maybe a new year's resolution?

I am hoping... I don't forget to make some bread and the pies later this week...

On my mind...Oh, wow...my mind is almost like a briar patch of thoughts anymore...all scattered yet tangled together.

From the learning rooms...still working on my online studies. They have changed the learning materials platform so hopefully things go smoother.

Noticing that...where do I start? Should I really get on a soapbox today? Okay, here's a simple one...apparently my migraine is not completely gone...

Pondering these words...<<>

From the kitchen...hopefully some tiny turkeys, some bread, lunch of some kind...I've got a rumbly in my tumbly!

Around the house...things are looking very, um, un-seasonal?lol I need to fix that!

One of my favorite things~Thanksgiving :) The family, the food, the time to just slow down and be with folks you love. Priceless

From my picture journal...

A picture from last year's autumn, but it still resembles our yard this year :) I'm a simple kinda gal, really :)

Well...

...I figured it was time to crawl out from under my rock and post something. Anything. So, what better to share on my own little piece of blog-o-sphere than a rant. It seems that's what I'm good at lately. Ranting. Unloading. Whether out loud or in my own mind. And maybe I can get some answers. Maybe, just maybe, someone else has gone through this and can share some insight.



Television. I have a hate/only-kind-of-hate relationship with it. I'm talking about entertainment-wise. I completely understand and agree that it can be an excellent tool and aide. I enjoy watching movies from time to time. But what I care to see anymore is few and far between. See, I don't know what you would call it? Conversion? Heart change? Regeneration? Conviction? But most days I want to pull my hair out and scream like a crazy woman. Sex. Violence. Blasphemy. Sex. Lies. Abominations. Sex. Gimmegimmegimmegimmegimme (especially on Saturday mornings...yes, sometimes I have to watch cartoons...nearly 30 years old and still can't get away from it) I feel like a raving lunatic!

Portraying intimacy on the screen has always made me highly uncomfortable...it wouldn't matter to me if the actors were married in real life or not, or if they were fully clothed like Amish people, just the insinuation of an intimate act between two people has made me squirmy for as long as I can remember. Even when I was living an immoral life with no real regard for Christ, I just did not care to see it whatsoever. Even when I was cheapening myself with things of the world, I have always thought it cheapened the act that I knew (though rebelled severely against) ought to be between just one man and one woman. Now, ever since giving that past up to Christ a couple of years ago, it's almost as if it flips a switch when the tone of a program begins to shift to seduction. Skimpy clothing (on men and women) does it to me as well. I don't understand it. I can't say that I have felt this passionately about it before I wandered away from the Lord, but boy, oh boy, it's there now! But obviously I'm the only person it offends.

I don't know what to do, how to handle it. I feel like a mother scolding their child and I'm just tired of repeating myself. It exasperates me that this disgusts only me. And if it does bother anyone else, it isn't so ugly that anything is done about it. The entertainment is more important than godliness. It just makes me cry tears of anguish and sorrow. WHY DOES THIS NOT GRIP ANY HEART BUT MINE!? I want to shake people and ask "WHAT PART OF HOLY DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND??" I am not perfect. God is still working on me and I am still resistant at times. I am a feeble, weak woman apart from God's mercy and love, but as someone who used to think nothing of dancing on bars in drunken debauchery and going home with men I barely knew and for God to do this change in my heart, WHAT is it going to take??? I certainly do not believe people have to go down the dark roads to appreciate or want to seek the road of Life.

And it's not just television. Magazines. Computer games. Comic books. Sometimes (more jokingly than anything) I can't help but wonder why I had not been created a man. Then, I could really preach, lol! I can only pray for God to do a work in the hearts of those who are supposed to be the leaders in the home, because I cannot do it. It is not my place to be the spiritual leader in the home, and I am trying hard to not usurp the authority that is not given to me. I wonder though...would this be considered crossing the line? Could I really post this "prayer" on the telly and get away with it?lol I could go sit in another room when these programs come one, and I would be in a room all alone most of the time. I just don't know anymore. I'm about ready to throw my hands up and just sit in the bedroom all by myself. Rant over. For now.