This will probably be one of those rambling posts. "Stream of Consciousness" they call it? So get ready...
This is a topic I think about alot...possibly too much. I have so many different ideas...emotions over this. I know God alone is perfect, He has a perfect plan, and His timing is always perfect. But I also know that not everyone is called to be everything. Some women do not become mothers. For whatever reason, they never experience that pitter patter of little feet. I'm just going to flat out honest. I DO NOT want to be that woman!! I do not!! I want to experience a womb full of life, the excitement of wondering what that little one might become. I want to give birth. I want to hold and love a child that has features like my husband and me. I want to play with, and help grow a child into loving God. I want to kiss boo-boos till they are better and make peanut butter sandwiches and cut them into pieces small enough for little hands. I want to wipe the mud off chubby cheeks and marvel at the creepy crawlies they find in the yard. I want to be a mother...so very very much. I have cried so many tears. I am sobbing as I type this. I have such a deep, deep desire that I can't articulate...and I have tried. Almost a desperate feeling.
I am only 27. This September I will be 28. I know, typically, I have many years more. I have only been off birth control methods since October of 2007, and yet... I have been off them for nearly 3 years now...it's been 3 years, Lord...please? Pretty please? I feel like Hannah, crying out to her God. Lord, can You hear me?? I can see why the priest thought she was under the influence of something else, if what I feel is close to what she felt that day in the temple. Is it idolatry to want something so badly that you think about it more days than not? Is it possible to want it too much? I can hear another voice...be content with your station now. Bloom where you're planted. A season for all things. It must be in the plan somewhere...why else would I desire it so much? I cannot believe that God would allow me to have such a strong desire and a love so deep for a little person I don't know, and yet deny me the opportunity to ever love that person.
I have a well-meaning aunt who has shared with me her doctor's name and clinic. They specialize in IVF (in-vitro fertilization) treatments for women wanting to get pregnant, and she has experienced two successful pregnancies with this route. One pregnancy resulted in twins, and we love all three of these children very much. My husband and I have visited their website, and talked about it. Now, I will not speak for any woman but myself. I cannot do this. By all I can see, they take at least one egg (maybe more?) and fertilize it with DH's sperm. I firmly believe that life begins at conception. I know our separate "contributions" have potential for life, but without their joining together, neither can become a person. That's simply how God designed it. I also believe His Word and He knits us together...it isn't a random act. So the idea that there would be essentially more than one life created outside of my body, but possibly only one going back into my body, simply does not sit well with either of us. And the expense...for something that has no guarantee. We could not justify that method. My heart says there are too many children in this world with no one to love them, than for us to spend that sort of money on a method that is, quite honestly, unnatural. And, I will put this as delicately as I can, the means for retrieving my husband's "contribution"...I cannot stomach. Call me what you want. So, IVF is out of the discussion.
Fertility drugs? I have not ruled them out. Granted, I don't know alot about them right now. I believe there are risks associated with them, right? My aunt has shared some of her experience taking such drugs to encourage egg production for the IVF she underwent, and there are definitely risks with it...but I don't know that I would need them if we didn't take the same route she did. Does that make sense? I am not against further investigation to see if there is a medical reason we have not conceived, or if it simply is not time for us yet. I am aware that my body may be working fine and it could possibly be an issue with DH's body. I am really struggling with surrender, I think. I call myself "quiverful" in the sense that I want to let God determine our family size, and not us, but what comes to mind most of the time is simply not using birth control to keep a family small. I rarely think about the aspect of trusting Him in the "smallness" of our family too. It is almost like saying..."Lord, I trust You, but only if You want to make our family HYUGE...now if You decide not to give us ANY, I don't want that part...I just want the HYUGE-ness." Selfish, I know. But this is about honesty, right? I go back to wondering why I would even feel what seems like a gap in our life, if we were not meant to have any.
I attended a women's weekend at a church not long ago...back in late October I think it was. There was a woman who came and spoke and her words left me in tears. She voiced the very same things I was feeling...she and her husband had been married for several years and yet they were still childless. She suffered with endometriosis and several miscarriages. She cried out to God and her words matched my heart perfectly. She says God spoke to her and simply said "I called you to be a mother. I haven't called you to be pregnant". She knew then they were meant to adopt, and God saw them through it and brought a beautiful little boy into their lives from the Ukraine (I believe is was the Ukraine...I was kind of scatter-brained that morning, but it was in that area if I am wrong). Not very long after that, even through her medical condition and knowing she would probably never carry a child and give birth, she became pregnant and had another little boy! This beautiful sister is now pregnant with their FOURTH blessing! I say all that to express my hope. I don't know what God has in store...but my heart is open and I have a great feeling of compassion to orphaned children. Shucks, I simply love children. Love them. They could have great parents, and I would still love on them, lol. I am praying that He would reveal the course for us, through my husband, because I know where my heart stands in it.
I feel like a child who really does not want to throw a tantrum, because I know it won't do me any good, but I feel that tantrum coming on. I guess you could say I throw a little one about once a month now. I can't hide my disappointment from God when "the company" shows up, so I don't even try anymore. Why can't I just be thankful that part of me works? It didn't use to...
Another aspect I have considered...my class. There is a desire (though not as strong as the other) to pay down our debt. Hopefully that will happen when I finish this course I am taking. Maybe God is waiting for me to finish my class? Maybe He knows that if I were to be pregnant and not be done with this class, it might never get done because I am just that scatterbrained? Maybe He's trying to make it easier on me (though I know life is rarely easy, especially for His people) and I'm just trying to cram everything in at once. Maybe. I guess I will have to wait and see. I will have to wait on Him.
He is still God and I am not. He is good, and I will praise Him in this storm, even if it is a broken hallelujah.